Thursday, June 5, 2014

My Life Is Perfect

Beautiful wife, a son who is my everything, a beautiful house with two cars in the drive way, and the job I always dreamed of. Yet today, I wake up with a feeling of complete impending doom.Why? People can’t understand what I have to be depressed about, neither can I?

A pressure builds inside me like a pressure cooker that never releases or blows off steam. Thoughts run absolutely wildly out of control. 
Most people can scream or shout and release, but not me; I leave it inside burning me slowly from the inside to out. I sit at work with ear phones in my ears, they play no music, but I hope they will stop anyone talking to me because I just can’t bear it. Every one is against me, every action they take is a move to quicken my exit or so I think. 

All this paranoia is killing me slowly as the pressure builds and all I want to do is burst into tears or scream, but I can’t: I’m stuck on the edge or such horrendous darkness. For the last two years, I thought I had it licked, no meds, no CBT, I’m fixed! 

I’m not really Bi polar, that's just a tag some doctor decided to give me; o
h, how wrong you were. I hid my troubles when I started the new job and the elation of the new job and new friends carried me through and spells of great mania made me look amazing to my new colleagues. I was the life and sole of every party, the complete exhibitionist and I brushed off the periods of depression as a few bad days. 

But really all that has happened is that I have spiralled uncontrollably out of control. I trusted people with my secret who used it to their own ends. They used my moments of brilliance to aid their efforts and when it all fell apart, I was shipped out of the team. Gone. Oh, he is burnt out. Sure thanks. Rejection by someone you trust as a Bipolar person is so hard to take and so hard to get over. You confide and they burn you. Is over trusting a Bipolar thing too? 

I know I'll be the most fun loving person at the Christmas party. I’ll dance with everyone, no wait, oh no, I’ve gone too far…. Oh the shame. Why do I do these things? The guilt, the shame I feel for weeks is always so bad. 
And so it comes out, the secret I tried so hard to keep for fear of my progression being stopped. I break down in front of my new manager, great start! Time to let it out. For 5 years, only people I really trusted knew of my diagnosis and the secret was killing me. 

Two days ago I posted an out of sorts on Facebook, a link to a Bipolar Speaks blog “Misunderstood” saying this is me, please read. I don’t want your sympathy - just your understanding. Five people came to me, five! These are friends, not the ones who ran away, not the manager who told me keep my bipolar a secret then jettisoned me from his team when I went to him for help. 
The doom is still here, but today, I start to rebuild, there is no longer a secret, I am me. 

I care deeply for my friends and will do anything for them, I am sincere in helping people and I will never change that is me. Bipolar is something I deal with it is not me. Letting out my secret I hope will release me, more understanding from my friends and being able to ask for help without the worry of my dark secret slipping out. Well its out there on my terms now. You have nothing over me anymore Bipolar.



My Bipolar Life said...

last night i also started a blog. after, i went on to read and yours is one of the one's i found. i know how you feel...frustrated and pissed, me too! i'm waiting for the magic pill...the magic mix, i'm still a newbie and newly diagnosed. while parts of it make me say "NO WAY!" NOT ME.... AND THEN i catch myself and say Holy Shit, that's me. I was glad i found your note and hope all is well. there's too many success stories out there waiting to be ours. i really do have help, but it still pisses me off.
susan My Bipolar Life

Anonymous said...

Its been a while since I wrote that blog and I do come back once in a while to see if theres more posts but i never noticed your comment sorry. My life is still the same and I keep needing resets. At the moment i have a 4yr old who never fails to make me smile even in the worst of times. I find i must focus on him and I put a photo on my desk of his smile and it makes me so much better. I feel another blog coming on.