Wednesday, January 23, 2013


Bipolar. It’s a horrible word to describe yourself as, especially when you're paranoid. It feels like I’ve created myself a nice label because I wanted an excuse. I'm ashamed to be it. Sometimes I refuse to believe that I am, but I KNOW I am. Definitely. When I get feeds on my phone through the web about bipolar, I read about it and I can relate to most things written by bipolar people.

Although, I’ve never let my life go to rat shit, always afforded the huge amounts of impulsive buying I've done and pretty much got some understanding friends who have put up with me, although some run away when I need help. And I have lost a lot of friends.

I think most people in general have no idea because I’ve been lucky and kept my head above water. Bills are paid and I can dress myself properly and I’ve (only just) kept a job. I'd be unemployed if I had a real job, although they might be able to see past the hiccups because of my brilliant moments.

I can’t expect friends to understand, just because they’ve had depression. They never understand that when I’m up and taking the kids to school, shopping etc that I'm suffering. I hide it well; I know I do as my life seems to the average person, pretty much sorted but my head isn’t. I have to sit and write this to try and get things straight. It’s like a self justification to explain to myself why I'm so shit at things, sometimes. I suppose at the moment I'm seeing the worse side. I suppose that's why I'm writing. Don't write when we're high do we, too busy sorting the world out. 

Life’s so hard. It seems simple enough but why can’t I live it without anxiety and thoughts! That fucks it all up. The thing is my mood could be in two phases, I could be massively depressed like I am now, but I can still laugh, be ‘me’ for friends. But I’m confused and I could burst into tears at any minute it’s so sad. 

Sometimes, I’m so depressed I hate the world. It makes me feels so sick. I hate my life and I really cannot be polite. That is awful as I cant even pick myself up, I hate that. It doesn’t last long though and sometimes it will only take a sentence from someone, or a TV programme. I don’t know. I feel so depressed. I can switch between mornings to afternoon. No-one has any idea.

From one bipolar person to another, we can empathize yet each of our experiences are different but with common themes. Not even I can accept that I’m impatient, speaking too much/too quickly/too loudly, overspending, acting like a total exhibitionist then feeling desperately ashamed after, impulsive sexual behaviour, indulging in dangerous and risky activities, being so under confident and shy, paranoid, then sooo so very confident.

I have racing thoughts, think I’m so special, feeling ‘on a mission’, have to get things right, want to concentrate on one thing, want to finish one thing! I get so tired of trying to explain, it's so much more than just feeling 'up and down.' These things are genuine, they are there ALL the time! My true personality, the bit that isn’t bipolar is my care for people and my absolute genuine honesty and commitment to try my best, especially for my kids. I do love everybody, trust everybody sometimes ending up being naive and get hurt...or that a bipolar thing too?


1 comment:

Shan Wakeman said...

I have just stumbled upon your blog and sat in absolute amazement as everything you've written - mirrored me exaclty. I was diagnosed nearly a year ago and it was a massive relief to know it had a 'name'. I was put on prozac many times in the past for being 'pull yourself out of it' depressed. Only when I had a real crazy, off the planet episode did I start to research the drug and found it's a bad ass pill for those with Bipolar (didn't know I was at the time). Could waffle on for hours about it all now but I'll behold!

One thing I really need though is a hidy hole, I'm really wanting to build myself a box / wendy house style den. Is it just me?

Shan :) :(