Thursday, September 30, 2010

Turmoil Inside~Undiagnosed

There is nothing in my life at the moment, no one thing that I think is causing the problem. But I feel anxious, stressed and very ready to collapse, give up. I’m desperately sad, feel so tearful and really need to get some help to get out of these feelings that come and go. I don't want any of this and feel like people who know me think that I want to feel like this. I'm sure no-one believes me and I'm stuck what the hell to do. I don't think anyone else suffers with a broken heart like I am doing and I'm worried about the future as I feel suicidal.

Mostly, for weeks, I’m fine, coping well when everything, the full time mum, perform at work, training the gym, eat well, study and learn and am happy with everything. The days fall into place, the house gets tidied, it’s all clean, money’s managed, we do things as a family, DIY, washing’s done, kids eat well, homework done and I get to do my hobbies. But every once in a while things change for me, something kick starts it, usually I feel rejected and feel like I've done nothing to deserve it. I've tried so hard. I can’t pinpoint it. My Life’s a bit too much to handle at the moment, things aren’t as I want them to be. I’m in a lot of pain with various things with me (I’m getting it sorted!) The house isn’t so tidy, (more like not perfect) kids struggling with homework badly, childcare needs sorting out, I feel so guilty everything’s a disaster.

I’m not doing all the things to make me feel good. I’m not getting to the gym as much, my friends aren’t there to talk to – I feel they are unapproachable. I have a close colleague at work leaving, my work role is changing (for the better) I’m arguing a lot more with my partner, there’s a lot I need to do to achieve excellence in my own eyes, (little pieces of work – at home and work - for myself) and now its all too much. I’ve turned paranoid which is really awful. I don’t judge situations right, I’m feeling very sad inside and I can’t seem to sort anything to change it, cant pinpoint THE PROBLEM. I’m hoping that writing this down – it might help.

I don’t know if I’m being walked over by friends or just have too bad of an inside reaction. I’m thinking – I’m not liked by anyone, no-one cares, nothing will ever get sorted. Everythings my fault. I’ve lost a friend for life by thinking like this and I can’t bloody well stop it!!! I keep asking for help as I’m so unsure of myself. My partner, who told me he loves me, is always criticising me, blaming me for the stress I’m causing him at home. Saying I’m taking everything wrong and I’m causing all the stress in him, and I’m hard to handle – and it’s all my fault.

It’s all too much for me at the moment, I just want to be able to STOP, take a few days off and get everything caught up with, including my thoughts but I can’t because I love my work and I’ve got to show commitment, because I am committed. My absence will be noticed. I have a real role there and I want to perform well and there’s lots of good things I can do and I want to feel good. I also want to use the gym (at work) I went to Doctors a few weeks ago, I was OK but again when I start talking about my feelings I got very tearful, i told her how I felt(which is difficult) I am awaiting an appointment for diagnosis (hopefully) and she gave me diazepam.

They hardly touch me, it’s a low dose 2mg. It’s supposed to stop the worrying and anxiousness. I so desperately want to talk to someone to help figure at least a bit of it out. I really need to get some help to get these feelings in perspective. I want to see which bits of me are rational and what isn’t. What Ishould worry about, what isn’t gonna end the world and what will! When I talk about how I feel (and sit here writing) I just cry and cry. My moods explode inside me from one comment,. I feel alone, a friend I once had to offer occasional rational words of support is no longer there. I’m on edge all the time.

When I get hurt, I really do get it bad. I could just walk away and kill myself. I’ve already worked out how I would die! It’s ridiculous – I don’t want to feel like this but I’ve messed so much up now, its too difficult to go back and sort it all. I feel so guilty for all of this. I cant think how I’m gonna put things right. I feel like everyone knows what I’m like inside and they don’t want to know, just want me to go away and I feel guilty for causing at all.

It’s hard to explain in words what I'm like. Very hard. It doesn’t convey the full barrage of thoughts that are inside.I hope someone there can offer a few words. I feel up then down. I am unsure of how I am thinking or reacting, I constantly look to others how I should be feeling. I see others lives and think if I should be living that way, thinking of life in the same way. Steve says there's nothing wrong in my attitude to life but the thing is I'm not enjoying it and so desperately want to change it. At times I'm so unhappy and guilty inside - as if I've missed something I shouldn't have or I will miss something in the future.

Another thing lately is I have sinusitis ALL of the time . It is so painful. It's getting to the point where I cannot bend down it hurts so bad stuffy head all the time. If I mention this to anyone people will think I'm a hypochondriac as well!I'm feeling tonight - at the point where I cannot cope anymore, I'm trapped. I don't want to hurt my kids but I'm on physical and mental pain a lot. I see no future. I can't train because of my sinuses and I can't move on without knowing what the problem is. I can't talk to anyone because no-one wants to know, I'm such hard work even for myself.



Anonymous said...

To get a diagnosis of the type of bipolar you are, will help perhaps.
I think your physical symptoms are liked to your mental state. I hope you're coping well.

Anonymous said...

I just would like to let people know that I posted these blogs and I have had a diagnosis of anxiety disorder and cyclothymia.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to thank you for being so brave to share your thoughts and feelings. You gave me a wonderful gift...I finally felt that there was someone else out there that has felt like I have. I hope you are doing well and thank you.

Anonymous said...

I feel the same, almost to the T, the same. I have felt this way, for most of my life, with brief periods of relief. But now, now....its just so different. Now, its been 10 months and nothing is helping, and Im so so so, in the same boat as you are!
Im a wreck, and everyone knows it, except my partner apparentlly. I think he knows, he just trys to pretend it isnt happening.
But the dispair, is unbearable. The lonelliness is horrible. I am not glad, but am some what put at a tiny bit of ease, knowing Im not the only person going through this. Because you feel that way, as Im sure you know, I feel so alone, and as if I am the only person in the whole world who is going through this.
I dont have any great words of wisdom here, sorry.

Anonymous said...

I am grateful for your thanks and that I can provide some words that others can relate to. It also makes me feel so much better.

Anonymous said...

You are brave and strong and struggling. And it's not your fault. You need someone to help you - you don't have to feel like this, trapped, and isolated by your thoughts and soul-less in your underground world of mind that you're too afraid to speak out about because of how people will look at you. You obviously work so hard and do a wonderful job of looking after your family and look after yourself and your body, you're capable, and successful and you CAN get better.

I was you. I didn't believe things could change either and wanted to kill myself every single minute of every single day, whilst doing a hugely stressful and responsible job and being a single parent and running half marathons and being considered "inspirational" by friends who had absolutely no idea of my diastrous mental state. It took a year of toing and froing but the correct Dr and the correct treatment has given me back the capable person I used to be. It can do for you too. If you don't agree with your diagnosis keep seeking advice, and keep writing and talking, you CAN get to a better place and there are lots of people who can and will support you. Worry about YOU for a while, not everyone else.

Sending you lots of strength for your journey. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your comments on Oct 14th. It really meant a lot to hear them. I do disagree with the diagnosis, unfortunately I dont know what to do about it because sometimes I am absolutely fine. I know the symptoms appear under ste=ress but I bring stress upon myself, I crave it, I want the responsability, the presure the feeling of success. But I am hopeless at handling it inside.
I think sometimes I will just go over the edge, this is why I am here now, surfing this site.
My mate says some ppl with mental disorders dont want to get better, she works in mental healtha nd knows me, I think it was aimed at me but I want to publicly declare that I would give everything I owned to be normal and carefree and able to control thoughts.
Im such a f***in disaster!
Oh christ I'll get through this week by the skin of my teeth. I wander round in a daze at the moment, I'm sure ppl have noticed.
I know what alse causes it, lack of training. Got to get back into it, its so important.
Ive got an interview on Monday (2 days time) I realy really want the role. Its with my mate in mental health, how bizzare! I want to make a difference to ppls lives, sounds soft, I would never admit it! But also - now this sounds bad - i want to see how lucky I am. If that makes sense.