Mostly, for weeks, I’m fine, coping well when everything, the full time mum, perform at work, training the gym, eat well, study and learn and am happy with everything. The days fall into place, the house gets tidied, it’s all clean, money’s managed, we do things as a family, DIY, washing’s done, kids eat well, homework done and I get to do my hobbies. But every once in a while things change for me, something kick starts it, usually I feel rejected and feel like I've done nothing to deserve it. I've tried so hard. I can’t pinpoint it. My Life’s a bit too much to handle at the moment, things aren’t as I want them to be. I’m in a lot of pain with various things with me (I’m getting it sorted!) The house isn’t so tidy, (more like not perfect) kids struggling with homework badly, childcare needs sorting out, I feel so guilty everything’s a disaster.
I’m not doing all the things to make me feel good. I’m not getting to the gym as much, my friends aren’t there to talk to – I feel they are unapproachable. I have a close colleague at work leaving, my work role is changing (for the better) I’m arguing a lot more with my partner, there’s a lot I need to do to achieve excellence in my own eyes, (little pieces of work – at home and work - for myself) and now its all too much. I’ve turned paranoid which is really awful. I don’t judge situations right, I’m feeling very sad inside and I can’t seem to sort anything to change it, cant pinpoint THE PROBLEM. I’m hoping that writing this down – it might help.
I don’t know if I’m being walked over by friends or just have too bad of an inside reaction. I’m thinking – I’m not liked by anyone, no-one cares, nothing will ever get sorted. Everythings my fault. I’ve lost a friend for life by thinking like this and I can’t bloody well stop it!!! I keep asking for help as I’m so unsure of myself. My partner, who told me he loves me, is always criticising me, blaming me for the stress I’m causing him at home. Saying I’m taking everything wrong and I’m causing all the stress in him, and I’m hard to handle – and it’s all my fault.
It’s all too much for me at the moment, I just want to be able to STOP, take a few days off and get everything caught up with, including my thoughts but I can’t because I love my work and I’ve got to show commitment, because I am committed. My absence will be noticed. I have a real role there and I want to perform well and there’s lots of good things I can do and I want to feel good. I also want to use the gym (at work) I went to Doctors a few weeks ago, I was OK but again when I start talking about my feelings I got very tearful, i told her how I felt(which is difficult) I am awaiting an appointment for diagnosis (hopefully) and she gave me diazepam.
They hardly touch me, it’s a low dose 2mg. It’s supposed to stop the worrying and anxiousness. I so desperately want to talk to someone to help figure at least a bit of it out. I really need to get some help to get these feelings in perspective. I want to see which bits of me are rational and what isn’t. What Ishould worry about, what isn’t gonna end the world and what will! When I talk about how I feel (and sit here writing) I just cry and cry. My moods explode inside me from one comment,. I feel alone, a friend I once had to offer occasional rational words of support is no longer there. I’m on edge all the time.
When I get hurt, I really do get it bad. I could just walk away and kill myself. I’ve already worked out how I would die! It’s ridiculous – I don’t want to feel like this but I’ve messed so much up now, its too difficult to go back and sort it all. I feel so guilty for all of this. I cant think how I’m gonna put things right. I feel like everyone knows what I’m like inside and they don’t want to know, just want me to go away and I feel guilty for causing at all.
It’s hard to explain in words what I'm like. Very hard. It doesn’t convey the full barrage of thoughts that are inside.I hope someone there can offer a few words. I feel up then down. I am unsure of how I am thinking or reacting, I constantly look to others how I should be feeling. I see others lives and think if I should be living that way, thinking of life in the same way. Steve says there's nothing wrong in my attitude to life but the thing is I'm not enjoying it and so desperately want to change it. At times I'm so unhappy and guilty inside - as if I've missed something I shouldn't have or I will miss something in the future.
Another thing lately is I have sinusitis ALL of the time . It is so painful. It's getting to the point where I cannot bend down it hurts so bad stuffy head all the time. If I mention this to anyone people will think I'm a hypochondriac as well!I'm feeling tonight - at the point where I cannot cope anymore, I'm trapped. I don't want to hurt my kids but I'm on physical and mental pain a lot. I see no future. I can't train because of my sinuses and I can't move on without knowing what the problem is. I can't talk to anyone because no-one wants to know, I'm such hard work even for myself.