Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Turmoil At The Moment - Undiagnosed

I know there are things to do, there is today but I can’t actually do anything in the house or at work because of the thoughts in my head of what I should be doing, or what’s best to be done. I walk around, even alone thinking about what should be done. I need to get on a straight road to do it all. Then I have thoughts about feelings that I feel and I’m wondering why I feel like that and what causes them. Do others see it? I have paranoid feelings that everyone thinks I am useless; I’m not doing anything right.

I fear rejection of any type. I hate very strongly anyone who makes spiteful comments or the very smallest of nastiness because I KNOW how it feels to the other person, whether it be a child or a baby or an adult, male or female, I know that very very sore pain and I cannot stand to watch someone being talked down to, I feel like it’s affecting them just as it affects me, so very very hurt, makes you feel lonely, unloved and alone. What hurts me the most in the world is seeing and not knowing children. Just watching them not knowing for sure how they feel. I can’t watch kids, for some strange reason I always think that they are hurting and I feel that pain for them. I don’t know why, it only started after I had my first child.

I like fun. I think I always have, my earlier life was just fun fun fun. As the stress levels rise with house, mortgage, kids, loans, responsibilities, pressure to get things so my coping has been slowly crushed, chipped away day by day, I constantly fight to build it back up. I have a wall around me, when it is fully up and running I am untouchable.

On a high I think I can be someone. In fact I know I am intelligent and capable, but sometimes I think I can be famous or someone so very successful, driving the sports car I want, having a hugely successful business, which wouldn’t possible fail, just get bigger and better. I think a lot about how I know I can do it, but my lack of patience and turmoil inside stops me. I secretly know inside that I am super human, I have these special talents, I understand people, and I know what’s going on, what people think all the time. It sounds daft but it’s like I can do anything but when it comes to it I am so surprised that I can’t.

When training in the gym, I know I could have held the UK record for rowing, I held 800m school record, I could have been an athlete – I would have won Gold, my body could have done that. Perhaps it sounds daft to others but not to me. I can see the good side of life when I’m like this. But it’s just not what others are like. I could do anything, commit to anyone then. There are majors highs a lot, really there are, just writing on an average mood.

I would like my own business but I do realise that my expectations might help me fall into a deep hole. Deeper than usual. I’ve been to these dark places where you really do feel like life is not worth living, it’s usually in time with my cycle. It’s bad, so very very bad that I’m not afraid to be physically hurt. I would take a big knife and plunge it into my heart, it wouldn’t hurt, would only feel cold. Eventually the life would drain away, (for some reason I always think that falling onto the knife at the front would have to be avoided) It’s the level of detail that I think this through is disturbing. I would slip into unconsciousness and feel no more ugliness in feelings. I can’t explain it, it’s so low, it’s like being pushed down by your mood, you can’t stop it. It would be good to die then. These thoughts, bad thoughts are rare. I don’t know what triggers them; it can last 2 days with the worst of it in 6 – 7 hours.

I know what I want when I’m down but if I tell Steve I just want a cuddle, some love, there would be no point in getting it. But I always reject the love he tries to show – I DONT WANT to reject it, it’s just easier when this takes over. I can’t fight this.

My general day to day feelings and thoughts are usually fast paced, runaway. I clench my teeth a lot, I think and analyse a lot. Things people say stick with me, good or bad. I can pick up on a phrase and think about it in so many different ways. I think, think think. Thoughts lead onto ideas and I can come up with some great in-house systems or plans to improve our lives, for educating the kids, to make our lives better. Steve thinks I think of a lot of ideas all the time. The ones he says are bad ideas I think are great, as well as the ones I think are great he thinks are great.

Unfortunately if things require a bit of time and patience, there’s not a chance I will finish it let alone get started, I always am thinking too fast for myself to keep up, and so things fall by the wayside. The most important ones are kept going, keep my head above water.
That’s how this thing is, a brilliant description, my head is above water. My family don’t know it, my friends don’t know it but I’m going to drown.

Every time I talk about this I cry. I think I’m down at the moment. I should add to this when I’m up, you’ll then see why I survive. The only reason I’m down is just purely because I talked about it.

I am in awe of people who can think methodically; who can break down a task into smaller pieces and work on each piece. I know it’s a skill, patience too. I can never do that. I get so frustrated that I actually feel tense! I clench my fist, clench my teeth. I get headaches from this. I remember things that I have done that have I have managed to immerse myself in completely, I should do more of these things, not reading a book like others, most films don’t immerse me, but study does, developing web sites does very much, making cards, making graphics, food, things, creating things. I am not a creative person?? As I write this it’s turning upside down, I tick all the boxes of quizzes that say I’m methodical, structured, practical, logical, now I’m typing creative things??? I’m a red person.

One thing that is bad is that I relax from the co-codamol. It totally makes me relax and it’s so very easy to talk then. I seem to be very lifted in mood and I can talk more. I suppose alcohol is the same; I know I am abusing this. Get me in a social area, give me the alcohol, don’t control me, tip me off with a few flawed suggestions - let the drama unfold.

I sometimes think of myself as my pet spaniel, simply want to be loved. I don’t think I have ever accepted love. If I come close, it comes clear instantly, this is fake; no-one actually loves people like I do. I lie my boys love me, I am worried about Chris not loving me now he is growing older.

What’s gonna help – I think. Success – to be this high person. I don’t know. I’ll keep trying and fucking it up.


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