Monday, January 12, 2009

Lifetime Struggle

I feel like my life is like a treadmill - running in place and getting nowhere. This is my life with Bipolar Disorder. I have battled with managing my bipolar, staying on medication, and watching my triggers for nearly five years now (since I've been diagnosed). To be honest, its been an ongoing rollercoaster ride that has never slowed down.

Every time I think that I have a hold on things, something happens. I have said this a thousand times, since my diagnosis or actually struggling with it while never knowing I had it, I have never been the same. Every life battle sets me off. I will fall into a deep depression over just about anything and that depression will spiral into a manic state. This is where I am now.

There are times I think about suicide, but not the way you think. I don't have the balls to kill myself. I would never cut myself, shoot myself, or take pills. But I could easily stop eating or not eat a lot. This has always been my choice of suicide if it were to arise.

Everytime I think that I could lead a normal life, I fall to pieces. I feel like I am a walking depressed soul. This is me, a depressed person that cannot seem to get out of that rut. I don't have the desire to work during these times of economic downfalls. Emotionally and mentally I can't.

I lie awake at night and cannot get to sleep, I am up late hours of the night, and I am not tired. What triggered this? BIG things, serious things that has put me over the edge. I still go to counseling, see my psychiatrist, and yes, I am still on meds. Love how these meds work, NOT!

I am tired, drained, emotionally unstable. I cannot believe the power of Bipolar Disorder. I cannot believe no matter how much we try, this Bipolar kicks in like a bat out of hell. Many of us had said before, Bipolar is not our identity, Bipolar is not who I am, Bipolar doesn't control me - well, I am not too sure about that. I think that we can only control so much - we do the best we can.

Sometimes, I feel that maybe having only so much on my plate is something I have to accept. Maybe working isn't in the cards at this time, maybe living my life as a stay-at-home mom, being a writer, taking care of my mental state of mind is where I have to be right now. But I cannot live like this forever and its hard for me to accept. I need to work and I want an outlet - but will this really solve anything or are we just doomed?

I see friends, I go out at times with friends, but I could take it or leave it and believe me at times I leave it. I have been involved in so many things, but people piss me off. That's where the irritability comes in - my patience has run dry. I could do without people and petty shit.

One thing I cannot stand is when people bring up "Celebrities." I don't care about these people. These people have money to REALLY help themselves, they have the medical insurance, the money to get away to a tropical spa in Maui, and they have the jobs and agents that allow them to take off if needed.

Well, I am an ordinary person with an ordinary home, with an ordinary lifestyle. I cannot afford to Mentally or Financially take care of my Mental Illness. I feel like there is no hope, it's a no-win situation and basically I need to accept who I am, what I have, and deal with it.

But I can't. Why? Because to some degree I am always depressed. I cry over music, commercials, movies, TV shows, and I dwell on the past a lot. I am a big "past time" drama queen. I have become a couch potato, catatonic - not just in spurts - its been awhile. This is my life.

This is a lifetime struggle. I read that Bipolar fades within time with age - I don't know if that is true or not, but at my age of forty-something - I am still an emotional wreck and I don't think I will ever have peace of mind.



Coco said...

Thanks for sharing this Dreamwriter... I can identify with your frustration. When I read what you said about celebrities I smiled as that's exactly the way I feel too. This is a tough thing to live with, and it does tend to limit us. It takes a lot of strengh just to keep trying sometimes. You're not alone.

piebuko said...

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I hope that you feel better.
A friend of mine -- she's 60 now -- has struggled with the same illness for years.
She once told me, "my life is wonderful. It's this illness. It makes me depress regardless of how well my life is going."
It's the illness. I hope you find a little bit of refuge in knowing that.

susan said...

Very well said and lovely. Thank you for sharing. It really touched me....

Take care.