Monday, October 13, 2008

Bipolar Madness: Part Two

Then things seemed to be leveling out, I was feeling better and my sex drive had actually shot through the roof which led me to doing the unthinkable while getting a massage. I asked the therapist to rub my breasts and he did. That was a bad move on my part, it increased my sex drive ten fold. Then about 2 months after that my husband decided to tell me that he had been having an online relationship with his high school sweetheart for over a year. From the moment he told me about it, my life went spiraling out of control once again and that is what brings me to tell my story.

The "normal" days are now gone and I now have been struggling for almost two years and have been in denial. I tend to self diagnose and have now made the decision to seek professional help. In the beginning, I thought I was going through a midlife crisis, but it soon became clear that something more sinister was going on. I began seeking out strangers for sex even though I knew it was wrong and had never been unfaithful before. I started driving recklessly, listening to loud music, spending money on expensive clothes, purses, etc….I would go to the mall and could only focus on one item, such as shoes and go to a store and buy ten pairs.

Then the next time I would have rings on my mind and go to Tiffany's and buy rings. I don't even wear jewelry. I would stop at the casino on a whim, feeling as the whole world was watching me, and thinking how wonderful I was. On a few occasions I left the house and got a hotel room, I would do it after having a disagreement with my husband, the problem was the fight really wouldn't be that bad, however, in my state of mind I made out like it was a huge fight.

I actually would drive down the road and think that every man that passed by me was looking at me and that they thought I was gorgeous. Once I followed a guy I thought was good looking into a bank parking lot and was going to proposition him but I chickened out and left. I began getting massages on a weekly basis, always going to someone different. The only reason I was getting the massages was because of the intense sexual arousal it gave me.

I then started getting brave and if I was attracted to the therapist I would ask them if they would perform oral sex on me. What was surprising to me was that each person I asked said yes. I needed very little sleep, and even when I would lie down, my mind would race from one thought to the next, constantly thinking about what my life could be if I were set free….I would see myself living another life. I would actually lie in bed and vision every possible scenario, with thoughts going from one thing to the next. Then after lying awake for hours with my mind racing I would finally fall asleep only to awake from having a horrible nightmare. I averaged sleeping about 3-4 hours a night. I have lost about 10 lbs in the past year, without trying. I can't afford to loose anymore weight since I only weigh 112 lbs.

I was like a wild animal that had been released from its cage. I started suggesting to my husband that we start having group sex. My alcohol intake increased dramatically. I would secretly have online relationships with men and spend hours chatting with people online. I also kept trying to figure out what I could do – I had so much energy, so my ideas went from going back to college to getting a job to joining a volunteer group to writing a novel, but I could never actually follow through with any of my ideas. I couldn't concentrate on my work, which fortunately I only work about 8 hours a week, there is no way I could ever hold a full time job. I am unable to finish ayour nything I start at home, it will actually take me a week to finish 5 loads of laundry.

I would start to clean the house and get side tracked and would get online, go to my room and have cyber sex. I would go to the book store and buy twenty books and come home and read them all in a week then not read again for a month. I became very irritable, even the smallest thing would set me off. My son could ask me if I was going to cook and I would scream at him. I stopped calling my Mom and friends as frequently. I also would have thoughts that I was actually someone else, someone important, famous, etc….

This all lasted for about eight months, then I crashed – went into a depression after my husband caught me kissing our neighbor's 25 year old son when he was home visiting and my husband actually went completely out of character and broke my nose, fractured the bones around my eyes, etc.....I looked like something out of a horror movie. He had never hit me before. Afterwards he was so full of remorse and in my despair watching him suffer because of what he did to me I confessed to him that I had cheated on him twice, but my rational was that it had nothing to do with intimacy, it was like a sport for me...hunt it, catch it and devour it, then on to the next person.

My life went tumbling down, I had suicidal thoughts and I so missed the feeling of grandeur that I had been experiencing for quite some time. The severe depression lasted about 2 months, since then I have been in a mixed state, with my moods swinging from one extreme to the other in a matter of hours. Wow, I don’t like this it all. For example, last Thursday I was down in the morning feeling like the world was a horrible place, then something got me going while I was in the car, I think it was a song and I wanted to “party” but that was quickly shattered when my husband started to lecture me and I became withdrawn, but the next morning I jumped up, got all dressed up and insisted I was going to the casino, that I felt lucky.

He didn't want to go but knew I was going with or without him and he knew that he better go or else I would loose a bunch of money and end up drinking and driving or end up having sex with a stranger. Then Saturday I was very normal feeling, went to lunch with our son, watched movies on TV and fell asleep that evening with no racing thoughts, then on Sunday I cooked a very nice lunch, cleaned a bit, feeling quite normal until about 3pm and I started becoming very irritated for no reason then I started drinking beer, talked non stop about every crazy thing I could come up with, bouncing from one subject to another. I finally went to bed about 2 am. When I woke up yesterday I stayed on the computer all day having cyber sex and now today I am depressed, feeling inadequate. I was suppose to work but I couldn't make myself go.

I am not sure how much longer I will go before seeking help. I think if I spent more time in a depressed state that I would have already gone to a doctor but the highs feel so good and they are quite frequent and I am addicted to them. One thing that I am very fortunate for is that my husband is very understanding and has done so much to help me during times when I am out of control. I know for a fact I could never manage on my own, it would just be a matter of time before I ended up in jail, raped, murdered or killed myself.

Everything I have written is just a fraction of the bizarreness that has been going inside of me. I just wish it would stop. Yes I know I need help, but I don’t want to walk around doped on lithium for the rest of my life, so I am fighting this awful thing but unfortunately I am not winning and the mania is coming back and it is almost full blown and I am trying so hard to not do anything I just stay home.

In reference to the past two years above, I spoke of it all in past tense when in all actuality the behavior is still with me, I have just become more aware of my destructive behavior and am able to control the most destructive part of it, which is the marital infidelities, however, I feel that if I do not get help I will soon act on those impulses once again.



piebuko said...

Thanks for sharing.
It was like actually being there with you through the whole thing.

Anonymous said...

I applaud you on your bravery, and hope that you will seek treatment soon. Not all treatment is medication there are other ways. Good luck.

Chica. said...

A lot of what you describe about yourself could be said about myself and other bipolars. You are not alone. I wish I could comfort you in some way...

You do need to see a psychiatrist. Those high feelings will never go away until you seek help. I promise that if Lithium is prescribed that it will not numb you. Other meds do that, but Lithium just levels you out.

Good luck to you. Please keep me posted on how you're doing.