Saturday, September 6, 2008


I was diagnosed with Bipolar three years ago. However, it took approximately six years for doctors to figure out what was wrong with me. Ever since my child was born, I changed drastically. I am no longer the woman I used to be. I cannot handle the slightest things and I have just went in a totally different direction.

It seems that I could only handle so much in my life. My family and marriage is about all I can take. When I try to venture out and look for a job, join organizations within my community, and do different things, I fall apart.

If I have too many responsibilities and tasks under my belt, I break down. Not so much like an emotional breakdown, but more of a deeper depression. I am not lazy by any means, but I feel that I cannot work, not like I used to.

I cannot do the things I used to do, I cannot deal with people sometimes, and I cannot tackle more than one thing at a time. My family and marriage is the only thing I could focus on right now.

Being diagnosed three plus years ago, I've been on every medication, I go to therapy, I see my psychiatrist, I pamper myself when needed, I don't drink like I used to, and I take my medication daily. However, no matter what I do or how hard I try, I fall back into that "World of Depression." What is left? Electric shock treatment.

Every morning when I wake up, I feel like I was hit by a truck. I look like I was hit by a truck and my eyes are always swollen. I cry a lot, sleep a lot, and just cannot seem to overcome and tackle this bipolar disorder that is eating away at my every core.

Trust me, I tried. Everytime I feel good, I fall. Everytime I think this is going good, I fall. Everytime I think that this bipolar hasn't gotten the best of me, I fall. I fall back into that state of mind and there is truly no escape.

But then I think, what is wrong with "just" focusing on your kids and spouse? What is wrong with not working? What is wrong with being home day in and day out if that is what makes you feel good? What is wrong with being honest and realizing that one's abilities can only reach so far?

Then I think, what happens if my husband dies? I will have no job or money. What will happen if me and my husband, for some reason, lose our house? We won't have a home. What will happen if my kid got sick? Mommy is too sick to care for herself let alone her own CHILD!

What if? Maybe I am not a good mother, wife, or person. Maybe I've become a lazy woman with a disability called Bipolar. Maybe my brain function is a lot more messed up than we know. Maybe there is more going on in that little brain of mine and we will never know what that is.

Limitations. That is what I have resorted to. Just simple limitations in order for me not to go off the deep end. Is that really so bad?



Amy said...

I also have bipolar, and as you do, think about how much more I could be without it. But would I? Bipolar is a large part of who I am. Along with it comes creativity, compassion, passion, empathy- I don't see those traits in my "normal" friends, at least not so much.

I have a degree and a good job, by many standards that is success. I also have a good marriage.

I do not have any children. Sometimes I think this is a real tragedy, I would be a wonderful mother.

I can do anything, but I can not do everything.

I chose my career over being a mother. Many times I think I made the wrong choice.

You are successful because you know and accept your limitations. Being a mother is a wonderful choice. I envy you in many ways.

That Crazy Mom said...

Word for word, I could've written that. Except for the marriage part.

I'm a single mom, battled depression since my early teen years and was diagnosed bipolar a few years ago, when my youngest child was almost 2.

I take my meds, I see my therapist, I do everything I'm supposed to do and it just never lasts. So then I wonder "what's the point?" Why put all of this time, money, effort, energy into something thats just going to fall apart anyway? All it does is make things worse. I just end up with even more pieces to pick up than I would have if I had just never started any of it to begin with.

Its kinda hard to fail at being a couch potato. After all, how hard is it to lay on the couch, cry, and flip through TV channels all day.

Its the only thing I've ever felt I'm good at.

Jen said...

I could of written that post as well, although I'm not bipolar, I'm 'borderline' with bipolar tendancies. I love reading your blog by the way.

Cheers from Oz.