Monday, September 22, 2008

Growing Up, Living With, and Having Bipolar Disorder

My mother was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when I was around the age of 8. I can still remember how it happened, and what triggered it. Growing up I raised myself, and cannot remember the "mother" that her parents talk about. But, that doesn't sadden me. My father and I used to leave the house without her to go shopping because she would purchase the whole store. I can count the number of good memories with my mother on my hands.. Most of them now come back to the manic episodes that she would experience.

My mother passed away about 4 years ago. I haven't regretted her death, and feel like it made me life move somewhere. A year after her death I had my "breakdown" when I found out I was Bipolar, I blame my illness on her. But, I know that my breakdown was what got me on track. Because of it I graduated high school early even after taking a good 6 months off because of my depression. None of my friends know about my disorder. Sometimes I wish I had someone to tell, just so I had some kind of place to put my thoughts other then in my head.

I am now attending college away from my father. Which I thought would be the hardest thing in the world. Surprisingly it has been one of the best things for me. I miss my own space, and my father. But I have been stable here so far, but am scared every single time I forget to take my medication that I will relapse and ruin all that I worked for. I came to this school because my cousin attends it, and my aunt works here.

I am scared that when she graduates I will relapse without someone to hang out with. I'm shy but want to make friends, with her help I have been getting out but still feel like I need her help to make it through. Living with Bipolar has been one of the hardest things of my life. I can remember crying for anti-depressants, and yelling out of frustrations. But now as I grow up I see the hints my mother saw as I grew up, and I see the times where I am cycling. I live with my illness but wish I wasn't sick. Everyday I wake up just to live another day as a person with Bipolar hoping to make it through college without a breakdown.


1 comment:

Mariposa said...


Please take this moment as an opportunity for you to journey the kind of life your Mom had and hopefully, you will have more compassion and understanding, and that will help you get by.

I was diagnosed with BP 11 years ago...and I was glad to know what's causing all my unexplainable behavior. I was not happy that I have that illness but at least I know how to deal with it.

Moving on I tried to be the master of myself, I take chart moods, watch on triggers...and keep myself busy with things which matters to me.

I am 29 now, I finished college with honors, I have a bf for 5 yrs and we are getting married, I work in an international company...

I still hit my highs and lows...but I get by.

Family and close friends know I have BP, but it did not change anything.

I'd love to see post something like this years from now...I did it...many people has done can do it too.

Good luck!