Friday, September 26, 2008

Another Manic Monday

As a little girl, I would make music videos in my living room. My sister and I would spin around singing, and jump until the floor shook to Debbie Gibson, Maria Carey, and C&C Music Factory.

As a little girl, I would hide for days in my bedroom reading book, after book, after book hiding from the angry. I would become Anne of Green Gables, a juror in a John Gresham novel, or one of the many siblings of Kristy in the Baby Sitters Club.

As a teenager, I felt the adrenaline rush of playing on a muddy field diving to stop the soccer ball from crossing the goal line. Knowing that I was the only one who had the final power to win or lose.

As a teenager, I screamed obscenities at my parents daring them to challenge me, challenge my behavior, or challenge the dangerous road I was on. All the time hoping they would rescue me.As a college student, I was outgoing, social, and partied for nights on end. Energy radiated from me and attracted people toward me, moths to a flame.

As a college student, I screamed in the nighttime. I stayed inside for months. I lost myself. Fear and desperation became the only things that were familiar to me.

As a young wife, I was successful in all that I attempted. I was great at my job, relationships easy, fantastic home, things seemed perfect.

As a young wife, I dropped the ball. Endless nights of madness lead to days filled with numb hurtful thoughts. I felt like I didn't know who I was and was becoming someone I didn't want to be.

I had lost control
When she was down
But when she was high



Immi said...

Sounds very, very familiar.

Merely Me said...

This is such a great site...I love what you are doing here.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like me.

Thanks for making me feel less alone and abnormal... well, I guess I mean that it's reassuring to realize that there are so many of 'abnormal's out there...

Of course many I know have had their bouts with unipolar depression, but the only other bipolar people I know of are my uncle (whom I have never discussed his or my condition with), and a homeless man who spoke of his history with depression (but I couldn't speak of mine because my boyfriend, with me at the time, didn't know the full extent of my disorder)

Thanks for the encouragement....

Felicia Stevenson said...

sounds very familiar. I also love the song manic monday - just sayin.