I’m not sure if I have bipolar disorder but it may be borderline personality disorder,
and, it may not, too. But one thing I have in common with some of the bloggers is
a hypersensuality and a deep need for male attention, of the sexual variety. I am
a flirt and am at the point where I want to take it to the next step: affair.
I am married and have been faithful for 9 years. But I’m suffering. I need to be seductive to
feel alive, but we all know that seduction (of other men) and marriage do not mix.
But I know what will happen – I will meet the man (whoever he is – I’ve met a couple
so far!) and flirt, seduce, have affair, fall in mad passionate love, want to leave my
husband, and then I’ll crash back down to the “small” me.
There is the big me and the small me. The big me has grandiose dreams of being a millionaire and flying on jet planes to exotic places. The small me wants my husband, wants to just
curl up next to him and have a “small” life. I cannot reconcile the two. I’m in deep
suffering because of my intense feelings and am very afraid that I’ll have an affair
in the near future and this will of course ruin any chance of having the cozy
I have children, too. (3 ½ years old and an 11 yr old step-daughter). I was in turmoil yesterday because I wanted a neighbor to come down to visit with me (male of course!). We have been flirty for some time now and I have decided recently it’s time to act upon it. But now I’m getting signs from him that he is not so sure he wants to go the next step with me. The consequences could be deadly!
My husband has an anger streak and would surely react to an affair. So the neighbor did not come to see me yesterday and I felt rejected. I watch my email constantly to see if he’ll email me, to see if he’s thinking of me. I know this is not normal behavior and I’ve never felt this way about my husband, this feeling of “will he call me? Won’t he? Is he thinking of me?”
I just had a good, friendly relationship with my husband, one where we talk a lot and laugh a lot, but I hadn’t really found him lusty and attractive when we met. So I’m acting out now to find that attractive man – and guess what, they are out there!! Not exactly available because most of them are married. I’m 38. So, What is wrong with me? Why do I so badly need the sexual attention of an attractive man?
Why is it the only thing that makes me feel fully alive? (besides working out at the gym!).
Thanks for listening.