Friday, June 6, 2008

A Different Side of Me

I know this topic has received a lot of attention: Hypersexuality. I think it's perhaps because during our baseline moods, we are more our true selves. But when we hit hypomania, or full blown mania, we become someone we typically are not. And that can be scary. Or a release. But most of us don't have a place where we can say "Hey, all I think and breathe is sex. How is your day going?" So I think that's why this is common topic right now. This is a safe place. To unburden ourselves, to share the secrets we keep from others who think they know us.

My husband knows that I love him and that I get "frisky" when I'm hypomanic, but I don't think he wants to hear what REALLY happens when I get hypomanic.When I hit hypomania and the hypersexuality kicks in I come out of my house wife-mom-follows all expected rules- shell. It's the only time I feel alive. It's the only time that I'm not inhibited by my size. Suddenly my fat, post 5 kids belly with thunder thighs to match don't bother me because in my hypomanic state, I FINALLY feel attractive. I feel like I can seduce any man who walks by me. And I want to, oh boy do I want to get their attention.

I have trouble concentrating at work because all I can think about is a coworker. The fantasies are non-stop. He walks by me and I have to restrain myself from throwing myself into his arms. I worry endlessly that I will say something completely inappropriate to the workplace and get myself fired. I act like a teenager in high school, watching for him, trying to catch him going into the break room so I can "casually" go too, just to be in the same room with him. It's ridiculous. I know it but it's as if my attraction to him has a life of it's own.

And once the mood comes down and I become more clear headed and more myself, I look at this cowoker and wonder "What were you thinking?" He's never as gorgeous and attractive as he was when I was hypomanic. He just goes back to being some guy I work with.

Until the next cycle begins.


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