Friday, June 6, 2008

Deep Inner Feelings

Sometimes Bipolar is manageable for me. I can hide my moods and also usually the Bipolar behaviors from work and around people who know me. In those times I still have to maintain my Bipolar to keep it under-wraps but I do it. Like I said, It's manageable.

But when it's not manageable, it's scary. I am scared for myself and scared of myself. Today I'm going to give just a couple of examples. My mood can reach an ultimate high, a manic, ad everything goes so fast I practically feel dizzy. My thoughts are so imaginative that I put myself in various situations and imagine myself there to the point that my skin turns hot and my heart races. When I'm low, I am slowed and numb. I am without hope or worth. I am unable to process my thoughts the same way that I would ordinarily do it. And sometimes, I have a mixture of all of the above.

Last night I visited family members who I am close to, including a brother "by a different mother" or "brother-in-law." I like to see it as a friendship. We have had a lot in common for a long time but *never* any kind of sexual chemistry. I only love him like a brother (and likewise) and he is just that. Anyway, Husband was out with dad and brother-in-law needed to get out to smoke pot and invited me for the company. He does this regularly which I knew. I didn't do it because it's not something I enjoy.

But he became complimenting on how much he loves me and my husband and is grateful for us, how we make a difference in his life... you know how they get when they're high. Showering with compliments. And he talked about how special our friendship was and that no other brother/sister-in-laws usually have this kind of connection. My thoughts spun out of control. I thought about the game show "Moment of truth" I thought about if the game show host asked me if I had feelings for him. (Which I don't.)

But yet my Bipolar was actually producing/making chemistry there that didn't exist. I kept feeling it and it was so awkward, my head was spinning and my face was turning red, He saw me thinking and asked what I was thinking. I told him that game show... and he said "why." My face felt so hot, my heart raced, my stomach tightened, it was like having the jitters of love on a first date. I felt delusional, I felt put on the spot and I imagined myself in the game. Intellectually I knew he was asking me a basic question *"why are you thinking about that game"* but I had minterpreted his question in my mind as "I know you have feelings for me." (which isn't true)

Despite knowing I was misperceiving thing, I had to answer on a reality-based level. The *actual question* needed a reality based answer. It was so hard. The racing thoughts captivated me. I felt at risk for saying detrimental things had I not rambled on about and found ways of changing the topic. I also know I have made terrible impulsive moves... I don't even want to think about what could have happened if I continued to be captivated by the Bipolar *and it all started out of nothing!!!*

I tell you the truth, I have never had feelings for my brother-in-law. Ever. I knew it was the Bipolar. On the return home, in the car with my Husband, I felt like my mind was really loud. For the first time I thought my thoughts must be audible. I had to ask Husband if that was the case. He reassured me. Bipolar is a disorder that is manageable only until it catches you off guard. It can be scary and we really need to be aware of our vulnerable states so we are careful to avoid triggers.



Mr Mans Wife said...

It's interesting that you mention triggers at the end of your post. I know you weren't smoking pot yourself, but I know a man with Bipolar who says that the smell of it when someone else smokes it makes him feel unwell too. Might be worth remembering in future.

Anonymous said...

One of the things you said really hit home with me: is it the bi-polar creating the chemistry? I have created chemistry where none existed OH so many times.... it comes with the grand imagination. I can just turn it on and off like a switch; seduction, chemistry, passion. But I know now when it is first there and "real" and when it is not. Here is my dilemma: I married a man that is my friend. I had no sexual interest in him at all, but we hung out a lot. And now, 9 years later, we have a 3 yr old girl and are married. I still do not have sexual feelings for him and i'm GOING CRAZY. I am meeting men now that I DO have sexual feelings for, and it scares me, this alive feeling of desire. It is real desire.

but what do I do? get counseling of course. I love my husband, he knows me very, very well, and makes me laugh every day. Should I stay married just because of this? Will desire kill me anyway? too much desire makes me absolutely INSANE.

Oh well. Thanks for your post....