Thursday, June 19, 2008

Bipolar VS. True Self

Can't tell my friends. Can't tell my husband. Can't tell anyone. Because obviously it's inappropriate. What I don't know is if it's the normal mood-regulated me having these feelings or if it's the bipolar me having these feelings. Or if it's all one in the same.

He's a friend and a co-worker. He's handsome. He pays attention to me. He has his life in order. He's goal oriented, very driven. We see eye to eye on many things. I see him and my heart skips a beat. My day is better just when we work the same shift. If something goes wrong, he always has a kind word, a supportive remark.

When there is a crisis, he has my back and I have his. We work well as a team. It's nice. I thought I was only having these feelings when I was hypomanic, but the hypomania has passed and they're still there. I'm pretty sure he's interested. But I'm also pretty sure my mind is playing tricks on me. How do I divide my life into what is bipolar and what is not? Where is the line drawn?

I don't want to make a mistake that will have irreversible reprocussions simply because I was thinking through the affected mind of this illness. I don't trust myself to say no. I walk by the hallway, afraid to death that I'll blurt out something inappropriate. Then all my co-workers will know. I'm afraid that my thoughts are so loud my husband can hear them. That he can see my thoughts of this other man.

I often shake my head, trying to refocus, trying to get the practically non-stop images of my coworker out of my head. But it's relentless sometimes. I don't know what to do. There is no one I can talk to. This is the only place I could think of to get it off my chest.



The 1 & Only QueenBee said...

I still ask myself daily this question. Who am I? What is the "real" me. I am so different from one extreme to the other. I think we have to accept that "this" is us. Both parts. Obviously your situation or feelings has nothing to do with your bipolar since you are feeling it with and without the hypomania. So you honestly can't go there with blaming your mind. There is a huge difference with being manic and impulsive and doing things on a whim, then consciously doing something over a period of time. Wishing you the best!

Mariposa said...

Reading this makes me ask myself...did I write this? Bec you said everything I've been asking myself the past months...just replace husband with a bf...the thing is I never questioned myself if it has something to do with my bipolar...I was thinking maybe it's just love somewhere down the road...but now I'm thinking...oh no, I don't want to think...and when I do, I left bipolar out of it...helps me get by to believe I'm without it!

Anonymous said...

please read the comments I just left under Sexual Attention. I was the spouse who was cheated on.