Can't tell my friends. Can't tell my husband. Can't tell anyone. Because obviously it's inappropriate. What I don't know is if it's the normal mood-regulated me having these feelings or if it's the bipolar me having these feelings. Or if it's all one in the same.
He's a friend and a co-worker. He's handsome. He pays attention to me. He has his life in order. He's goal oriented, very driven. We see eye to eye on many things. I see him and my heart skips a beat. My day is better just when we work the same shift. If something goes wrong, he always has a kind word, a supportive remark.
When there is a crisis, he has my back and I have his. We work well as a team. It's nice. I thought I was only having these feelings when I was hypomanic, but the hypomania has passed and they're still there. I'm pretty sure he's interested. But I'm also pretty sure my mind is playing tricks on me. How do I divide my life into what is bipolar and what is not? Where is the line drawn?
I don't want to make a mistake that will have irreversible reprocussions simply because I was thinking through the affected mind of this illness. I don't trust myself to say no. I walk by the hallway, afraid to death that I'll blurt out something inappropriate. Then all my co-workers will know. I'm afraid that my thoughts are so loud my husband can hear them. That he can see my thoughts of this other man.
I often shake my head, trying to refocus, trying to get the practically non-stop images of my coworker out of my head. But it's relentless sometimes. I don't know what to do. There is no one I can talk to. This is the only place I could think of to get it off my chest.