Sunday, April 20, 2008

The Bitten Apple

When I am manic, I become hypersexual. Or maybe the proper term for it is "Flirtatious." I flirt with every guy that walks by me. I will be in the store and I will shake my ass and smile. If I am driving in my car, I will look at some one who is driving by and I will smile and even blow a kiss.

I am married. I am ashamed. I never cheated or acted on my emotions. But, when I am in that flirtatious mode, I am feeling so confident, feeling so good, that I just let my self-confidence get the best of me. I may even dress a little different, take more time with how I look, and I have fun doing it.

When it is happening, I know that I am doing it, but there is no control. It is as if the mania is so powerful that I feel what I am doing at that time is OK. That it is harmless, and I am not cheating. I don't talk to anyone, I just look, make eye contact, smile, and walk the walk in front of them.

When the "high" is gone, I think, I cannot believe I did that. I cannot believe I acted that way. I cannot believe as a married woman that I flirted with all those men. I would promise myself that it won't happen again, that I will have more control over the situation, but when I am feeling a bit happy, I do it again.

The manic moments to me is like a rollercoaster that has gone out of control. No matter how hard you try to slow it down, it goes faster and faster. The power and rush is so strong that it takes one thing to start it up again. Be it aggravation, triggers, arguements, or whatever.

I don't feel proud of my flirtatiousness, and I feel like I've given into temptation when I know I haven't. It is such a powerful feeling, words that cannot express it.

People believe that a bipolar person who is hypersexual could control themselves, that they have the power to slow down and back off. But that is far from the truth. Or, I guess it depends on the individual as we are all different and our symptoms are different.

Those who are manic cannot always control themselves that is why they shop until they drop, go bankrupt, and end up buying a house that they cannot afford. And then when the mania is over, they have a house and they are sitting there thinking what the hell did I just do?

I have not Bitten the Apple just yet. I hope that I never do...personally, I don't like apples anyway.

Lady in Red

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I also can get hypersexual when I'm in a manic-type stage. I get flirty, maybe not to the extent that ~Lady in Red~ explained, but I do flirt with guys online and a specific co-worker. A few weeks ago, I did something horrible and I don't know why. I cheated on my husband while I was manic. I slept with an old boyfriend. All I can attribute it to is being manic. Afterward I felt horrible, and the guilt is eating away at me. My husband has no idea. I can't tell him the truth because I know he'll leave me.

Anonymous said...

I know this too well. Can I contribute this to being manic, or was it the only high I could get that would reach through the depths of the depression? Maybe both at different times. I felt alive.

Beth said...

I also get like that. Thankfully, my husband moved me away from everyone I know and now have like one girl friend and one gay guy friend. So there's no one to tempt me or flirt with. Which makes me crazy. It feels like I'm going to explode because there is no outlet for it anymore. So i just spent a lot of money instead. HA! It's not funny I know, but geesh I had to do something.

Anonymous said...

Lady in Red...this was a great post. I am the same, but shamefully, I must admit, that during a severe manic episode, I did act on my compulsions.

It was and is the single most horrifying thing to me...and I can still feel the blush of the shame as I remember it.

I can say...I had no control. I had no concept that I was wrong...it was surreal to say the least. It was awful.

Anonymous said...

What I love about this site is that I can find others who understand. I am also like this when I am manic and actually did have a series of one night stands while I was married (before I was diagnosed or on meds). HORRIFYING how it affected my family! And as understanding as my husband is I know that there is a place where he has difficulty believing that my bipolar contributed to it because he has never experienced those feelings.