Get Your Ass Out Of Bed

I started my blog with the intent to share my life with others, which I have molded and mended into the life that I've always dreamed of, so that others could see that it is possible to get through this disease with hardwork, determination, and incentive...even when the motivation is so difficult to muster up. But now I look at the previous posts and realize I was being big-headed in thinking that I could actually help others to follow their dreams as well...when I can't even fully enjoy the fruits of my own labor.

My altered dosages were not successful in deterring this "crash". So today I am at home. I called in sick because, like yesterday, I could not get out of bed. Just the thought of seeing clients today had me shivering again. I have this phrase that I say to myself aloud over and over again in the mornings: "I can do this. I can do this. I can do this." When my husband, Bernie, hears me chanting those familiar words in front of the bathroom mirror, he knows what it means. Well, this morning, the chants didn't work.

An hour later, I finally got up from the bed to drop the kids to school and feed the dogs. Fortunately, my kids are old enough to dress and feed themselves. Then I laid back in bed in my emptiness. My house is a mess, errands yet to be run for days, and I spent more time on Facebook and blogs then I have with my chores. A few minutes later, a voice inside me said: "Get up and do something to stop this, would ya?" So here I am, up from the bed, blogging the emptiness away, typing away the confusion.

My bipolar disorder has progressed with age. Medication that worked wonderfully for years no longer has any positive effects. So I've spent that last couple of years searching frantically, alongside my pdoc, to find a new combo.

When I was younger, my episodes were mostly manic and had only a few depressive bouts lasting a few days maybe once or twice a year. My kids were younger, and I was in graduate school. My manic episodes were not as damaging. In fact, they were what helped me through school and raising babies and running a household all at the same time.

I was SUPERWOMAN...all the time. People would say to me: "Wow. How do you do it? How can you go to school with three babies?" And I would feel so good about myself. I'd say: "Determination and incentive to provide for my family."

Was it really determination and incentive? Or was it just mania? Or maybe a combo of both? I finished college at the top of my class. We bought our first house the next year. I did it. I actually did what I set out to do. Eight years later, I have the career that I wanted, a new house, great kids, a 15-year marriage. This is what I wanted. So why am I here in my bedroom and not at work? Why am I here? Am I really successful when I am a failure at handling the progression of this disease, which is now MUCH more debilitating than it was when I was younger???

Would I be able to do now what I did back then? Absolutely not. So I guess I'm thankful that my disorder has had a gradual progression. I've met many others who can't say that. I am now a rapid-cycling patient. My depressions are more frequent and last longer. My manias cause more collateral damage nowadays (I still love 'em anyways). And I am unpredicatable.

I love you mania, for helping me through college and helping me raise three wonderful and well-rounded children. Now please go away because I don't need you anymore.

~MARSHA~

Interval of Lucidity

If I believe what I see, hear, feel, and taste to be reality, then what happens when every experience starts to seem connected? I have felt the love of the Universe flowing through everything I see, and the constricting anxiety that my family is in great peril. How can I remain still when thoughts and feelings crest and subside at a pace too fast for me to even talk? During the darkest moments of my life, I ultimately placed my faith in people who I knew cared about me. This was no mere belief that in the end everything would turn out for the best. I relinquished control of my body and I thought at times perhaps my life. I let go of everything.

For years before I ever became ill, I had a nagging sensation that there was something waiting for me at the edge of my awareness. So I began psychotherapy sessions that lasted for nearly three years. The therapist and I began to traverse long ignored corridors of my heart and mind. I often imagined myself walking through a labyrinth in search of the mythical Minotaur. I knew intuitively that I was searching for a beast in the most private part of myself. And when I finally met up with that scary fellow, it took the intervention of other people to keep him from consuming me.

I have read that bipolar disorder is hard for even mental health professionals to diagnose. From the beginning of my therapy in 1998 until the day before I went into the hospital in 2001, my therapist never recognized my symptoms. And unfortunately, while I knew I needed help, I really had no idea what form it should take. Open ended talk therapy seemed like a good idea, but it turned out to be a bit like dousing a fire with gasoline. My therapist helped me understand quite a bit about myself. But my emotional state never improved, and often I left his office feeling much worse. I have since learned that this is common for people who suffer from serious mental illness.

In April of 2001 my spouse, our minister, and two friends brought me into the emergency room at University of Chicago Hospital. While we waited for the doctor, my uncontrollably racing mind created one painful phantasm after another frightening both me and my companions. Having gone without sleep for days, I was beyond wondering what was wrong with me. I just wanted my hellish experiences to end one way or another. After three weeks in the hospital, I went home with an official diagnosis of severe bipolar I disorder and the solemn task of reconstructing my life.

Since that time, I have had one more bout of illness in 2006 (both have occurred during times of great personal stress), and a new diagnosis, schizoaffective/bipolar. This time it took me close to two years to recover from the episode. The arc of the illness has been the same both times: mania, delusions, psychosis, then depression and coping with being heavily medicated. Now I consider myself to be in the time of remission. Like a squirrel storing nuts for the winter, I am busy enjoying my life and the people I share it with.

~ANONYMOUS

Facebook~Global Exposure!

Bipolar Speaks started a group on facebook! If you are a member of facebook, join our group. If you aren't a member of facebook, sign up for a facebook account and you can join the group!

Simply log onto Facebook with your username and password and in the search box type in "Bipolar Speaks" and join the group. It's that easy!

Your "Blog" identity won't be revealed because a lot of us don't know who we truly are (in legal name) anyways...No exposure will occur unless you choose to do so yourself.

Also as a member of the group, no one can view your profile unless they ask to be your friend...you are truly protected.

Bipolar In The Raw

Living with loved one's who are Bipolar from a woman of God's eyes. This isn't something that is really "talked" about, and some may think it's "too personal", but it's REAL and it's out there!Trying to live my life for God and dealing with the everyday struggles of mental illness.

This is MY story:

Padded rooms & lots of drugs here I come! “No, you make choices and you’re choosing to do the wrong thing.” “Why don’t you care about me?” “Why do you keep doing that?” “What is wrong with you?”

I found myself flat on my face before the Lord pleading, begging, and crying out for HELP!Convinced that there was something wrong with ME, I tried a number of different things. Some helped, some didn’t! This went on for 3 years. After an unexpected incident with our youngest son (who was 8 and already on meds for ADHD) we took yet another trip to visit the Doc. He then explained our little man was in fact bipolar.

I immediately went home and started my research! My eyes were about to pop out of my head due to all of the knowledge pouring into them. My brain was on over drive, and I couldn’t stop. If someone had tried to explain in laymen terms “what” bipolar was I would’ve looked at them like they had lost their marbles. HA, probably how people look at me when I try and explain it now.

Bipolar in children is different than in adults. While still in overdrive I realized I was also reading about my husband. With my new found knowledge I learned I was still completely CLUELESS. Trying to tell your 29 year old husband that he IS bipolar and getting on some medicine would HELP, was like pulling an embedded wisdom tooth out without Novocain. I’m NOT crazy after all, they are! Oh dear, what am I going to do now?

The Doc got our little man squared away and miracles began to happen with him! Still pulling teeth with my husband, I kept track of the episodes. Every three weeks I could expect “something” to happen. Every three months, something BIG would happen. I found myself flat on my face before the Lord pleading, begging, and crying out for HELP! October was on the horizon with the number of events all which were up in the air.

My husbands job, are we moving clear across the country, we are having another baby, WHAT! Pulling my hair out handfuls at a time and doing my best to rest in God’s perfect timing… WHAM! I was hit harder than a ton of bricks dropped from ten stories high! “Is this Mrs. Archuleta?” The first words I hear at the other end of the phone which nearly jump started my heart at 1am. Fuzzy brained and trying to focus the deep voice begins to explain who they are and why they are calling.

Calm, cool, and collective (because the severity hadn’t quite yet hit me) I proceeded to learn, my dear husband was being taken into custody and I needed to come pick up his car.“How did I miss this?” “How long has this been going on?” “How did I miss this?”Astonished & dismayed, flooded with a million thoughts, feelings and emotions I didn’t know which one to express first. I found myself flat on my face before the Lord pleading, begging, and crying out for HELP! “How am I going to support four kids (soon to be five)?” “I am NOT bailing him out!” “What am I going to tell the children when they see their dad isn’t home?” HELP, was on the way, I just didn’t know it.

2 Corinthians 12:10: (Amplified)10 So for the sake of Christ, I am well pleased and take pleasure in infirmities, insults, hardships, persecutions, perplexities and distresses; for when I am weak [[a]in human strength], then am I [truly] strong (able, powerful [b]in divine strength).

Spinning out of control my dear husband was facing serious charges. I found myself flat on my face before the Lord pleading, begging, and crying out for HELP! LOVE was the answer. God enabled me to love that man harder, tighter, and deeper than ever before. We made our way to see the different doctors, he was put on meds, and within days I could see a dramatic difference!

The Holidays came and went and I was so relieved, thankful and proud of MY “new” husband!SIGH…WHAM! Another ton of bricks hit. My dearest wasn’t taking his meds and hadn’t for a couple weeks. The episodes began like clockwork! “What am I going to do with this man?” “I can’t take it anymore!” “Why did I get stuck with a husband like this?”

I found myself flat on my face before the Lord pleading, begging, and crying out for HELP! My pity party didn’t last long. Clearly the Lord has given me all that I have good and bad for His purpose and it WILL glorify HIM. Meanwhile, I am to lean on Him for the strength, patience, and guidance.Philippians 4:13: (Amplified)13I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who [a]infuses inner strength into me; I am [b]self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency

~Rebecca Archuleta~

Lifetime Struggle

I feel like my life is like a treadmill - running in place and getting nowhere. This is my life with Bipolar Disorder. I have battled with managing my bipolar, staying on medication, and watching my triggers for nearly five years now (since I've been diagnosed). To be honest, its been an ongoing rollercoaster ride that has never slowed down.

Every time I think that I have a hold on things, something happens. I have said this a thousand times, since my diagnosis or actually struggling with it while never knowing I had it, I have never been the same. Every life battle sets me off. I will fall into a deep depression over just about anything and that depression will spiral into a manic state. This is where I am now.

There are times I think about suicide, but not the way you think. I don't have the balls to kill myself. I would never cut myself, shoot myself, or take pills. But I could easily stop eating or not eat a lot. This has always been my choice of suicide if it were to arise.

Everytime I think that I could lead a normal life, I fall to pieces. I feel like I am a walking depressed soul. This is me, a depressed person that cannot seem to get out of that rut. I don't have the desire to work during these times of economic downfalls. Emotionally and mentally I can't.

I lie awake at night and cannot get to sleep, I am up late hours of the night, and I am not tired. What triggered this? BIG things, serious things that has put me over the edge. I still go to counseling, see my psychiatrist, and yes, I am still on meds. Love how these meds work, NOT!

I am tired, drained, emotionally unstable. I cannot believe the power of Bipolar Disorder. I cannot believe no matter how much we try, this Bipolar kicks in like a bat out of hell. Many of us had said before, Bipolar is not our identity, Bipolar is not who I am, Bipolar doesn't control me - well, I am not too sure about that. I think that we can only control so much - we do the best we can.

Sometimes, I feel that maybe having only so much on my plate is something I have to accept. Maybe working isn't in the cards at this time, maybe living my life as a stay-at-home mom, being a writer, taking care of my mental state of mind is where I have to be right now. But I cannot live like this forever and its hard for me to accept. I need to work and I want an outlet - but will this really solve anything or are we just doomed?

I see friends, I go out at times with friends, but I could take it or leave it and believe me at times I leave it. I have been involved in so many things, but people piss me off. That's where the irritability comes in - my patience has run dry. I could do without people and petty shit.

One thing I cannot stand is when people bring up "Celebrities." I don't care about these people. These people have money to REALLY help themselves, they have the medical insurance, the money to get away to a tropical spa in Maui, and they have the jobs and agents that allow them to take off if needed.

Well, I am an ordinary person with an ordinary home, with an ordinary lifestyle. I cannot afford to Mentally or Financially take care of my Mental Illness. I feel like there is no hope, it's a no-win situation and basically I need to accept who I am, what I have, and deal with it.

But I can't. Why? Because to some degree I am always depressed. I cry over music, commercials, movies, TV shows, and I dwell on the past a lot. I am a big "past time" drama queen. I have become a couch potato, catatonic - not just in spurts - its been awhile. This is my life.

This is a lifetime struggle. I read that Bipolar fades within time with age - I don't know if that is true or not, but at my age of forty-something - I am still an emotional wreck and I don't think I will ever have peace of mind.

~DREAMWRITER~

Submit your Blog or Website

Are you or a loved one bipolar (and battle with other mental illnesses)? Would you like to bring more traffic to your blog, Bipolar Speaks blogroll may interest you.

Simply email your URL to peaceofmindtlb@yahoo.com and we will add your name to the list.

In addition, grab the "Bipolar Speaks" button and place it within your own website or blog. Help spread awareness about Bipolar and other mental illnesses, and lets put an end to the STIGMA that is attached to mental illness.

Welcome to Bipolar Speaks

First, I would like to thank everyone for submitting your stories and being so candid about your feelings. Please keep them coming!

We are also looking for stories from those battling with BPD, Schizo-affective, Schizophrenia, DID - amongst other mental illnesses.

This is a place to Speak Out! Those with Bipolar and other mental illnesses have a chance to truly speak their minds. Many of us with Bipolar Blogs have family members and friends who tend to find our blogs, leaving us no choice but to change our blogs or be very discret with what we say.

Bipolar Speaks Mission is to stop the STIGMA that is attached to Mental Illness. Our mission is to give those with a mental illness a chance to speak out, speak up, and be heard! Bipolar Speaks is where other fellow bipolars can express their thoughts, feelings, and opinions about anything they want. Family members and parents with children and other family members who have a mental illness can also speak out as well.

This is a place to feel safe for anyone who wants to get something off of his or her chest in an environment that provides a comforting and supportive release. Say what you want, what you feel, and don't be embarrassed or ashamed. Write as if you are finally letting it out.

Remember, you can be anonymous. I know that a lot of bloggers say what they feel within their own blogs, but you are welcome to share your thoughts, opinions, and feelings with us. You are welcome to help raise awareness and put a stop to the Stigma that lies within mental illness. We can change the world - one story at a time.

Please submit ALL stories to peaceofmindtlb@yahoo.com or simply put it in a comment where ALL comments are moderated. Rules are located within the sidebar.

Thank You!

Ready To Combust

I am too calm, too relaxed. I've been on medication consistently for about three years now and I am so bored. There is no mania, no fun, too even keel and I am ready to bust. I need to go out, drink, dance, sing, and have fun, but if I do at this time, I will get into trouble.

My life is so "in control" right now that I am bored stiff! I want excitement, enjoyment, and want to live on the edge. I feel the fire and the heat rising to the top and I am ready to explode. This *normal* life is not fun and I need to do something fast.

I always believed that stability, quietness, and calmness was for me and maybe it is, but having bipolar I am not these things or these things do not help me at all. Instead, it makes me absolutely crazy.

Oh, God! I could jump on a bike right now, drink martini's, dance in a bar for the entire bar to watch, and I could become the most fun person you've ever encountered.

Do I continue my meds or do I let it all go for a life on the edge?

~BIKER CHIC~

Bipolar Madness: Part Two

Then things seemed to be leveling out, I was feeling better and my sex drive had actually shot through the roof which led me to doing the unthinkable while getting a massage. I asked the therapist to rub my breasts and he did. That was a bad move on my part, it increased my sex drive ten fold. Then about 2 months after that my husband decided to tell me that he had been having an online relationship with his high school sweetheart for over a year. From the moment he told me about it, my life went spiraling out of control once again and that is what brings me to tell my story.

The "normal" days are now gone and I now have been struggling for almost two years and have been in denial. I tend to self diagnose and have now made the decision to seek professional help. In the beginning, I thought I was going through a midlife crisis, but it soon became clear that something more sinister was going on. I began seeking out strangers for sex even though I knew it was wrong and had never been unfaithful before. I started driving recklessly, listening to loud music, spending money on expensive clothes, purses, etc….I would go to the mall and could only focus on one item, such as shoes and go to a store and buy ten pairs.

Then the next time I would have rings on my mind and go to Tiffany's and buy rings. I don't even wear jewelry. I would stop at the casino on a whim, feeling as the whole world was watching me, and thinking how wonderful I was. On a few occasions I left the house and got a hotel room, I would do it after having a disagreement with my husband, the problem was the fight really wouldn't be that bad, however, in my state of mind I made out like it was a huge fight.

I actually would drive down the road and think that every man that passed by me was looking at me and that they thought I was gorgeous. Once I followed a guy I thought was good looking into a bank parking lot and was going to proposition him but I chickened out and left. I began getting massages on a weekly basis, always going to someone different. The only reason I was getting the massages was because of the intense sexual arousal it gave me.

I then started getting brave and if I was attracted to the therapist I would ask them if they would perform oral sex on me. What was surprising to me was that each person I asked said yes. I needed very little sleep, and even when I would lie down, my mind would race from one thought to the next, constantly thinking about what my life could be if I were set free….I would see myself living another life. I would actually lie in bed and vision every possible scenario, with thoughts going from one thing to the next. Then after lying awake for hours with my mind racing I would finally fall asleep only to awake from having a horrible nightmare. I averaged sleeping about 3-4 hours a night. I have lost about 10 lbs in the past year, without trying. I can't afford to loose anymore weight since I only weigh 112 lbs.

I was like a wild animal that had been released from its cage. I started suggesting to my husband that we start having group sex. My alcohol intake increased dramatically. I would secretly have online relationships with men and spend hours chatting with people online. I also kept trying to figure out what I could do – I had so much energy, so my ideas went from going back to college to getting a job to joining a volunteer group to writing a novel, but I could never actually follow through with any of my ideas. I couldn't concentrate on my work, which fortunately I only work about 8 hours a week, there is no way I could ever hold a full time job. I am unable to finish ayour nything I start at home, it will actually take me a week to finish 5 loads of laundry.

I would start to clean the house and get side tracked and would get online, go to my room and have cyber sex. I would go to the book store and buy twenty books and come home and read them all in a week then not read again for a month. I became very irritable, even the smallest thing would set me off. My son could ask me if I was going to cook and I would scream at him. I stopped calling my Mom and friends as frequently. I also would have thoughts that I was actually someone else, someone important, famous, etc….

This all lasted for about eight months, then I crashed – went into a depression after my husband caught me kissing our neighbor's 25 year old son when he was home visiting and my husband actually went completely out of character and broke my nose, fractured the bones around my eyes, etc.....I looked like something out of a horror movie. He had never hit me before. Afterwards he was so full of remorse and in my despair watching him suffer because of what he did to me I confessed to him that I had cheated on him twice, but my rational was that it had nothing to do with intimacy, it was like a sport for me...hunt it, catch it and devour it, then on to the next person.

My life went tumbling down, I had suicidal thoughts and I so missed the feeling of grandeur that I had been experiencing for quite some time. The severe depression lasted about 2 months, since then I have been in a mixed state, with my moods swinging from one extreme to the other in a matter of hours. Wow, I don’t like this it all. For example, last Thursday I was down in the morning feeling like the world was a horrible place, then something got me going while I was in the car, I think it was a song and I wanted to “party” but that was quickly shattered when my husband started to lecture me and I became withdrawn, but the next morning I jumped up, got all dressed up and insisted I was going to the casino, that I felt lucky.

He didn't want to go but knew I was going with or without him and he knew that he better go or else I would loose a bunch of money and end up drinking and driving or end up having sex with a stranger. Then Saturday I was very normal feeling, went to lunch with our son, watched movies on TV and fell asleep that evening with no racing thoughts, then on Sunday I cooked a very nice lunch, cleaned a bit, feeling quite normal until about 3pm and I started becoming very irritated for no reason then I started drinking beer, talked non stop about every crazy thing I could come up with, bouncing from one subject to another. I finally went to bed about 2 am. When I woke up yesterday I stayed on the computer all day having cyber sex and now today I am depressed, feeling inadequate. I was suppose to work but I couldn't make myself go.

I am not sure how much longer I will go before seeking help. I think if I spent more time in a depressed state that I would have already gone to a doctor but the highs feel so good and they are quite frequent and I am addicted to them. One thing that I am very fortunate for is that my husband is very understanding and has done so much to help me during times when I am out of control. I know for a fact I could never manage on my own, it would just be a matter of time before I ended up in jail, raped, murdered or killed myself.

Everything I have written is just a fraction of the bizarreness that has been going inside of me. I just wish it would stop. Yes I know I need help, but I don’t want to walk around doped on lithium for the rest of my life, so I am fighting this awful thing but unfortunately I am not winning and the mania is coming back and it is almost full blown and I am trying so hard to not do anything stupid............so I just stay home.

In reference to the past two years above, I spoke of it all in past tense when in all actuality the behavior is still with me, I have just become more aware of my destructive behavior and am able to control the most destructive part of it, which is the marital infidelities, however, I feel that if I do not get help I will soon act on those impulses once again.

Kim

Bipolar Madness: Part One

I am a 42 year old woman, married for 18 years and have one teenage son. My family history is as follows: My Mother has dealt with depression since my father left her 30 years ago and was hospitalized for it once. My Father is a functioning alcoholic. My Grandmother died from alcoholism and my Uncle committed suicide at the age of 54. My brother is a functioning alcoholic and my sister has an eating disorder. Sound like a crazy family? Actually no, they all have been college educated have families, and have successful careers, etc.

The first 13 years of my life were quite normal, nice family, camping trips, family gatherings every weekend, I was a straight A student in the gifted program, no violence or sexual abuse etc...mostly normal. Then my father left my mother out of the blue for the next door neighbor. During the next 4 years my life turned from a "Leave It To Beaver" existence to an attempted suicide, mood swings, anger issues, I was arrested for truancy, forgery and DUI, expelled from school for fighting, my Mother's new husband held me at gun point, I had an abortion, I was never able to have a steady boyfriend, had 2 car wrecks, drank too much and was not able to keep a job for longer than a few months, etc.

I always thought my behavior was attributed to my parents divorce and that I had overcome all that. I also met my current husband during this period of time. We never dated but were friends and stayed in contact until I was about 21. The only chemical dependency I have ever had is consuming too much alcohol. I do not take pills, I do not have an eating disorder and I do not do illegal drugs.

At the age of 17 I finally started having some normalcy in my life, I graduated High school, started college and remained pretty stable until my junior year of college and got arrested for disorderly conduct and battery on a law enforcement officer. I had to drop out of school and get a job to pay for my legal fees. I ended up getting a job in a topless bar so I could make enough to cover my legal fees.

At that point my alcohol intake increased, I jumped from place to place working mainly because I was disgusted with myself for working in that type of place then it all came tumbling down and I checked myself into a rehab center. I only stayed for a few weeks and left. At that point I went to nail school and got my license and started working as a nail tech, then out of the blue my now current husband called me which whom I had not spoken to since I was 21 and wanted to see me.

Within a month I had moved in with him and began playing Suzy Homemaker. I had never been happier. And for once in a long time my life seemed to be back to the Leave it To Beaver one I had always dreamed of. I was married at the age of 24 and my life seemed to not be so chaotic because my husband moderated me and took care of me. I did not drink as much after getting married either.

We had our ups and downs like all married couples and he tended to be verbally abusive but I eventually learned how to handle him. We had a child and I got to be PTA mom, cook, do all those things I always considered normal and up until 2 years ago all was well, then something changed, my husband started being more verbally abusive again and I was starting to not handle it as well. I started to buck him, so to speak, not getting the car washed when he told me to, etc...trivial things and I was feeling like I was getting old and not attractive anymore.

KIM